By Valerie Rice October 3, 2020
Admit it, my title is hilarious! This is something my adorable nephew Lucien said when he found out our doorbell didn’t work. And it is a multifunctional phrase. So if you find yourself in a position where your “doorbell” isn’t working either, never fear! Because intimacy is so much more than sex. (Bet you didn’t know I specialized in sex therapy back in the day, did ya?) You and your partner need closeness, and you can still have that. Try these four things until your “ding dong” is up and running again. Who knows, they might even speed that process along.
Oh, it may sound boring, but that’s because you are probably thinking about mindless chatter. That is not what I mean. Most women crave intellectual conversation and emotional closeness with their partners. What I mean, basically, is real talk. Lock yourselves (not literally, guys) in a room away from distractions like your phones and the television or a bunch of demanding children (so probably after bedtime) and try to reconnect. You are together for a reason, and hopefully, that reason isn’t sex. So what is it? Do you have common goals, dreams, or visions of the future? These are always fun to rediscover. What is it about your partner that you absolutely adore? There is something, other than their physical appearance, that is undeniably attractive, right? Something inside that makes them glow and stand out from the crowd. Tell them about it. There is something incredibly sensual in hearing how your partner sees you.
Touch, one of those essential sensations for humans, not only reduces stress but increases bonding. But how? That’s a very good question and I have a super smart, super scientific answer. Skin to skin contact causes the body to release hormones: cortisol (stress reduction), and oxytocin (the bonding hormone). This is why human touch is necessary at all stages of life. Nursing an infant also releases oxytocin in both mom and baby, which is why they are so closely bonded. Have you ever heard of the babies in the orphanage who died or grew up wrong because they were never touched? It’s a thing. Check it out. So don’t let your relationship fall into that category, let the affection flow! If you don’t want to jump right into rubbing each other with lotion or oils, try this next tip.
I beg your pardon? Well, remember those super awesome hormones we were just talking about? They can be released in your sleep. Good times, right? So next time you sleep together, jump right in there nude. Besides, who needs jammies, amiright? That is just extra laundry, and I hate laundry. If you two don’t live together, make the next date night a slumber party. Have your excellent dinner and long conversation; but instead of Netflix and chill, try Netflix and cuddle under the covers naked. And sleep. No sex expected or necessary. In fact, take sex off the table. You will still get the benefits of sex without the pressure to perform. Nobody likes to perform under pressure anyway. It makes sex feel like a chore and takes all the fun out of it. Sex should be an enjoyable experience for both of you, not mandatory tasks. Chores are no fun. Like laundry.
Show Through Service
Once upon a time, not so very long ago, there was a book published about love languages. And then condensed through a million websites and blogs and advice columns. Like this one. Seriously, click the link, it tells you about all 5 and will let you buy the book. I would be shocked if you haven’t heard of it, mostly because you are reading my blog about intimacy. One of these love languages is about service, which is a tried and true method of affection that has been shown through the ages to make other people happy. Including your romantic partner. Not only does it demonstrate that you care enough to go out of your way to help them, but it shows that you know what their needs are. Basically that you are paying attention. Paying attention is much more than a barrage of text messages (OMG I hate that!) but it is the actual processing and application of information about someone’s life. Seriously, I would much rather my partner run to the pharmacy and pick the medications I haven’t had time to grab than ask me repeatedly about my day only to forget my answer a few seconds later. This shows they know how busy I am and are trying to reduce my stress levels. Sending me messages increases my stress because I am obligated to respond and engage in yet another activity. See where I am going with this? So give it a shot. You have to learn your partner more in-depth, which strengthens your connection. Sweet, right?
Hopefully, wherever you are in your relationship, you have found some solid advice here. Sex is often seen as the ultimate goal, but I say let there be intimacy! If you and your partner have a close connection you won’t need as much sex, and when you do have it, it will be much more enjoyable and your climax will be more powerful. Who doesn’t love that? Okay, everyone loves those unless there is an underlying pathology, and there is help for that too. Another time though. Enjoy!