Dating and Asexuality

Valerie Rice | April 18, 2021

We sure hear a lot about the spicy things people want in the bedroom these days, and the communication is super awesome. The more open we are, the healthier our relationships can be. But we seem to be overlooking a group of people: Asexuals. Despite popular opinion, not all people feel sexual urges. This is a totally normal part of the sexuality spectrum that society tends to look at as an illness. Welp. I love sex education. So this is for the Asexuals! Let’s go!

IS AND IS NOT

Asexuality is not celibacy. I say this first because celibacy is a conscious decision to abstain. Asexuality is the absence of interest in intercourse and absence of drive. There are medical conditions that lead to lack of interest in sex, but I cannot stress this enough, IT IS RUDE TO ASK ABOUT IT. Look, if you are okay not wanting sex, then it is asexuality. There are actually 150 types of asexuality according to LGBTQnation.com if you wanna click on that.  Additionally, people who are asexual still crave intimacy and connection. I mean, come on guys, humans are not robots. Being in a relationship can be scary, because the majority of people want sex at some point. Never fear! Intimacy is so much more than that. Here are a few things you can do to increase your intimacy with your partner. 

PHYSICAL

Safe touch. People thrive on physical touch, it is necessary for human development and mental health. It also releases oxytocin, that delicious hormone that is released during orgasm, childbirth, breastfeeding, and is responsible for what we humans call love (and so much more). We can get our brains to release this hormone through cuddling hugging, and one of my favorite physical activities: massage. 

Massage as a couple’s activity does not have to be sexual, so let’s throw that stereotype out the window. Massage is an excellent way to get that close contact. I love getting the stress and tension out of my muscles, as well as the sense of security from being able to relax around someone. Many people who are In The LGBTQIA+ community don’t even realize how unsafe we feel until it lifts. And then returning that feeling is equally fulfilling, making this my favorite technique for intimacy.

INTELLECTUAL

Oh yeah, intimacy is so much more than physical. If a deep conversation gives you chills, this section is for you. I personally do not like small talk, so when getting to know a person, I need to get to know the person. So pick something you have in common, like a show or book you both enjoy, and find out why. What was it that kept them engaged? It is a great way to find out if you have similar views, beliefs, and so on. You can also tell a lot about someone’s motivations. And as a bonus, it can take hours. If you connect, you really connect, and your brain will get the happy tingly sensation you crave. 

EMOTIONAL

This is one area where everyone seems to struggle. I feel bad condensing this area, so stay tuned for a future post on this. Emotional intimacy is built through  familiarity and caring. It takes time. The more you get to know your partner, take an interest in them, support them, the closer you become. Additionally, and this is important, you need to know yourself. Not all the way, I mean, that is pretty hard for anyone.  We are all works in progress, so being self aware and practicing mindfulness are good first steps. Communicate (we all say this) openly with your partner and be honest. Which leads me to the most important thing ever ever ever…

FINAL SAY

Boundaries. And I would have said it first, but I’m pretty sure people remember the last thing I say easier. So. Boundaries. You get to set them. All the time. And NOBODY gets to cross them. EVER. The thing is, some people who are asexual may occasionally engage in intercourse. Your partner needs to be aware that this does not mean that it is open season. I honestly only crave intercourse once every 6 or 7 years, and not really intensely, so I could take it or leave it. (Yeah. Now you know. You’re welcome.) So if you DO have sex once and don’t want it again, that is perfectly fine. You do not have to. Your partner should accept you for who you are, not what they can get from you. Until next time, Be Well!

Published by vrice2010

A mother, an author, a nerd. After many years working in the fields of mental health and developmental disabilities, graduating from the University of Phoenix, and pouring my talents into my local community, I decided to spread my wings and reach a wider audience.

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